notes from iceland

and i wish, that time would just slow down

*/13/23

I’m at SFO airport right now. I managed to check-in rather smoothly. My bag was mildly overweight, but they didn’t make a big deal about it. The scary part is over. I don’t know why but I always find checking into the airport to be a scary process. It never is though, even when I am carrying a gram of molly for a music festival. I think it speaks mostly to my distrust in other people, which extends to my distrust in authority. I feel like a lot is going to change in my life very soon. I’m ready for that change. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever been more ready for change that is not grounded in some sense of deep dissatisfaction with my life. This is change borne from want, not change borne from need, and that makes all the difference.

I am eating at Lake Creek Grill in Terminal 2, and I’m thinking back similarly to how I was eating at Las Vegas Airport when I arrived for EDC. Although it was a weekend where I was alone, a lot had changed that weekend. I lost a friend, and I learned a lot about myself, I learned that I don’t really like helping people. I learned that although I can tolerate being alone in a crowd, I don’t particularly enjoy it. I’ve become different since that weekend. I do more things by myself, but I feel less of a pressure to do things altogether. If I don’t have people I trust with whom to do things, I would prefer not to do it at all. I feel like not many of my friends understand that. People don’t understand how lonely I am and how different from other people I feel. In turn, they don’t understand my motivations and core drivers. I do things despite the limitations with people. I wish my life was not different, but this was the life and personality with which I was born.

*/14/23

I’m at a restaurant called Sjavargrillid. My Airbnb is not yet ready for check in because I arrived early. The interaction with the host was a bit awkward, but I’m not sure if it was because I miscommunicated or because that’s just Icelandic culture. Anyhow, I have around three hours to kill before official check-in, so I am eating at a restaurant. The bread and butter is extremely good. The presentation is on a slab of rock. It is almost as if I were at a Michelin star restaurant. I wonder how I am perceived as a solo traveler. Because it is Europe, I feel quite safe, even for a capital city like Reykjavik. There doesn’t seem like there is much crime here, in contrast to San Francisco, where it seems like crime is abundant in the downtown area. Knowing this, I might go do my Southeast Europe backpacking first before I do South Asia and South America, where I imagine crime is more common in the capital cities. There is something about more people that just invites more crime, as if people are just bad.

I made some notes in my Notes app on the bus on the way here. There was an attractive girl sitting in front of me, and I wanted to talk to her, but I ended up not. Then, an old guy sat next to her after most seats were taken, and they had a conversation. It made me realize that if I want to be a warmer person, but warmness extends to more than just attractive girls. The thing is — I don’t really want to be with people who aren’t attractive. I notice attractive people, and I want to be associated with attractive people. I want to be an attractive person. That is my core motivation right now. I’m already pretty successful for my age, so really the one thing I have to catch up on is attractiveness. I am artistic, but it is not important that I am artistic. I could live the rest of my life without knowing what it is like to be artistic, and I would be totally okay with that. Maybe I should start talking to guys. Since I’m not attracted to guys, that takes the weirdness out of everything.

*/16/23

I went to the Icelandic Phallic Museum and the Icelandic Museum of Art today. Both museums were really insightful actually, and I felt quite inspired right now. I had a couple of hot takes at the art museum. There was one exhibit about how when you pair images together, they create additional connotations that were not previously there. Like the theory of emergence. That summarizes my interest in museums as a whole, and why I am interested in creating a museum of my own work. Individually, art doesn’t have that much meaning (e.g. Rothko), but it does create meaning when it is presented as a work of an artist’s entire body or other work in a similar style. Individually, I feel like I don’t have much to say, but I feel like the collection of my thoughts is unique and worth something. I feel like there isn’t much art aestheticizing environmental destruction, and I feel like that paired with the beauty I see in capitalism is unique in the art world.

At the Phallic Museum, there was a massive whale dick. It is literally the size of a small person, although I already knew that coming in. I also thought it was funny and unique in reflecting the human tendency to measure dicks. The first metric I see when I look at one of those informational plaques next to the phallic exhibits is the length in inches. It is also interesting that more people measure dick length in centimeters. There was also a collection of 20 dicks from the Icelandic silver medal Olympic team, and I found it a bit comforting to know that I myself am average among the Icelandic silver medal Olympic team. It’s every guy’s insecurity, but we’re mostly the same. I assume, like height and other physical attributes, it follows a normal distribution.

*/17/23

I didn’t want to wait until I got back to downtown Reykjavik to eat, so I decided to sit down at the restaurant on the rooftop of Perlan. It is pretty aesthetic, and I took a look at the food, and it looked pretty good, so I am happy with my choice.

I wanted to write a bit about how I find both the environment beautiful for its natural beauty but also capitalism for its… I wouldn’t say artificial beauty because that seems to carry a connotation, but maybe unnatural or caused beauty. The beauty of cities is because it was constructed, because it is something efficient created out of nothing. For cities to be created, the environment needs to be destroyed.

There are some lyrics I would like to write down. From “Alive” by Dabin:

I wanna live, I wanna be right now
I wanna scream ‘til my lungs give out
Oh, this is what it means to be alive
And I wish, that time would just slow down
I can’t get enough of life right now
Oh, this is what it means to be alive

And from “Moments” by Mitis:

I know I can get so emotional
I’m grateful you are someone to hold
Through all these nights that I lay awake
Don’t know how much more I can take
All that I know is when you’re next to me
I can finally breathe

I think those two stanzas represent what I want most in my life right now. They are lyrics I keep going back to over the past couple of years. One represents meaning derived in absence of others. The other represents meaning derived from others. Together, they are MECE for all meaning there is in life, one without others and one with others.

*/22/23

This is the first time I am writing this journal since W* arrived. I’m currently at a campsite in the south of Iceland waiting for her to wash her hands as we wait for water to boil making pasta. I’ve had a lot of thoughts in the past couple of days, and I’ve written them in my Notes app. I guess I’ll catch up on my latest thoughts.

We did a lot over the past couple of days. Things have been “serendipitous” as she likes to put it. We got drysuit certified and dived the Silfra fissure. Then we attended Reykjavik Culture Night and watched popular Icelandic bands play in front of the music hall. We were also able to rent out the car one night earlier and drive to Silfra without taking a taxi. Finding the chronically late bus during a time when all of the roads were blocked out for culture night was a challenge. Today and yesterday we finished the Fimmvörðuháls trail, which is one of the most popular shorter trails. It was pretty arduous, and we were able to find a good camping spot before the end of the night. We technically weren’t supposed to camp, but it was late, and we were desperate because we were far off from the finish line. At the hot springs, which we went to the day after Silfra, and also right after we hiked a recently-erupted volcano, I felt like I had the happiest moment of my life. I felt so euphoric, and I wanted that moment to last forever. It was a bit scary because it was one of those moments I could forget that I am an ambitious person outside of this vacation. The hot and cold water meshed together so well at the fork where I laid for hours, literally, and I looked so beautiful, and W* looked so beautiful, and we were just two beautiful people talking being amongst beautiful people. Out of all the moments in life, I felt like that was the most beautiful I’ve felt. I was in a beautiful environment, with beautiful people around me, at a point where I was beauty myself. I could not imagine the past three days going any better. There has been so much serendipity but also so much preparedness paired with the action-oriented nature of two very ambitious and organized people. I’ve come to the understanding that things happen to us that may propel us in one direction or another, but it is up to us to seize the opportunities and allow them to carry us as far as we can go. As for opportunities where this serendipity has not come to me, I don’t know how to think about that yet. I have not accomplished as much in the fields I participate in, at least compared to W*. I am not yet a part of the societies I would like to be a part of or attend the events with the beautiful people that she does, but I am still inspired to try, and one day serendipity might indeed bless me in the same way it has blessed her. I am waiting, ready for that opportunity to arise, whenever it does, if it does, I can control what environment I was born into, or what resources I had growing up, or even how I wish I knew more or wanted differently when I was younger. All I have is the here and now, where I will find opportunities to continue to be inspired from now until the end of my time on this earth. There’s just so much left, and I want to live a life that I dream about, not just the life I have been presented with thus far, and especially the one I have.

I went to another hot spring with W* today. It was the one at our campsite. This one was heavenly in a different way. As I was swimming through the water with my head bobbled out, I stared mountain pose against the sun and felt the beauty of the world around me. In the very beginning, I always knew that there would be two beauties on this trip. One was the nature I was surrounded with, and the other was the people I was surrounded with. Both of which have lined up to expectations. I’ve been wondering if I would still be able to perceive beauty after this trip since the bar has been set so high, but I think I would still be able to. I hope I would still be able to for my sake. Although Iceland is very unique, and although W* is very unique, I don’t know if uniqueness is everything, even though it is very important. I would hope that there is more to life. Although I consider myself pretty unique, I don’t know if my uniqueness is the source of my beauty. It is a component for sure, but when other people find me beautiful, I doubt they are viewing me for my uniqueness. It seems that uniqueness (which is a proxy for rarity) is a personal standard of beauty.It seems that not everyone finds rarity beautiful, and I should at least try to expand my standards of beauty, even if it were only for my own mental health. I really shouldn’t keep living hung up like this. Although people like W* are rare, it also hurts me knowing that they are rare. I don’t get to meet many of them in life. Each time I do, I am changed in ways that take me years to fully adjust to my new reality. Each time I change, I become more rare, and there is a beauty to that but also violence. I feel like my spirit is thrusting me forward, unrelentingly, while I would like to remain still.

It reminds me a bit of a conversation W* and I had at the isolated hut on top of the mountain where we got Snickers bars and lamp soup. She was wondering how the ranger could go four months without social interaction. But I get it. I wouldn’t ever choose to live like this because I want my life to constantly go forward, but if I were forced to stop, I would be okay with that. I have forced myself all my life to go forwards, thinking that it would allow me to come closer to solving my problems, but it is in moments like these I know it will not. The spirit moves forwards even when the body does not.

*/24/23

I think I’m about to get my heart broken again, but I’ve become so aware recently that that’s where my growth and artistic inspiration comes from. If things go the way I hope, then I’ll be very happy for a bit. If things don’t, I will have a couple songs and maybe an EP from it. I know in what direction I was going to grow, but I’m still figuring out the extent of how.

We ended up spontaneously going on a glacier hike/ice climbing tour. We were eating breakfast oats, and it was 9:10 AM. The Troll expeditions tour we were eyeing earlier didn’t end up having openings, but I remembered there was an Arctic Expeditions tour that left at 9:20 AM. We made a decision within 2 minutes after finding they were across the street, and we packed up everything in a minute and zoomed over. We eventually made the tour, where we ice climbed and walked on the glacier. Although there was some pre-research, it was probably one of the most spontaneous things I’ve done in my life so far. It takes a lot of decision-making and preparedness to pull this off, and we were able to be on the same page. 

I don’t think I could’ve known that this week would’ve gone this way. There’s been a lot of change, and I feel like I’ve been pushing boundaries in my personality. I want to look better. I want to be a model, although I know that is quite hard to do, not that I’ve done too much research into it. I think I’ll try to be more involved in fashion when I do my MBA and see where that takes me honestly. It’s not that W* is a model that impresses me; it’s mostly that she carries herself like one, and as a result, the whole world seems more beautiful, and that’s something I want for myself. My friend L* is also a model, but I don’t nearly hold the same inspiration from her as compared to W*. I think the difference is something around their perceived professionalism. I need someone who could keep up with me professionally but also extra-professionally. Meeting someone who could do both is a bit scary because it is the only people like this I could really like on a deep level that makes me feel vulnerable. I don’t like being in this position because it makes me feel like I have something to lose.

I’m high right now. There are a couple of thoughts I would like to explore.

Why do I feel like the only way I could get close to someone is to get into a relationship with them? Well, it’s true that relationships are closer than friendships. Is that true? Well yes, both A* and J* prioritize their significant others over you. I feel like I am talking to myself… As if my self had another darker side that was somehow more self-aware than my conscious mind. To be honest, I don’t really like the honesty I am feeling. The lie I am living under will make me so much happier otherwise.

I think what I want to say is that I want to mean something to someone. More specifically, people I find attractive. I wish that because it would reaffirm my progress in being more attractive. As I become more attractive, my standards for attractiveness also creep up, which raises the bar for what I consider to be attractive, which makes encounters with people I find to be attractive all that rarer. I wish friends could mean just as much as relationships. And I know I’m trying to move past this up-or-out mentality. But I like certain people so much it physically hurts. W* said, “Some people are so beautiful it hurts,” and I feel that so strongly right now. Some people I am around or that I meet I find it physically hard to be friends with them because they are so beautiful. I don’t know what to do. Should I ask W* what she does about it? I want to escape this cycle — where I can’t be around beautiful people because it hurts so much. I feel like that is something that has held me back for so long.

I sent A* a very long text describing my beautiful people rant. I’m not sure it’s coherent, but I guess I’ll find out shortly. The thing about this void is that I wasn’t even aware it was there until I went on this trip. Although I wasn’t euphoric in my previous life, I didn’t feel like it was fundamentally lacking — until now. I just sent another train of thought to A*. I’m trying to think about how I could simplify what I am saying. I’m stating the obvious like heartbreak hurts. Well, of course that is obvious. But why does unrequited love exist at all? One is beautiful, the other is not.

So I asked W*, and she said she “just doesn’t look at them.” Unfortunately, this doesn’t solve my issues. The contradictory desire to be around beautiful people and be hurt by their presence has caused me so much pain over the years. W* mentioned that part of her coping is to find some sort of goldilocks amount of beauty. I’m not too convinced that’s the answer either. I pursue beauty but I am also afraid of beauty. I think it’s normal to be afraid of what you find beautiful, but maybe that’s more commonly referred to as such in an abstract cosmic sense for many. Beauty is scary because it is revealing of some part of you nested deep inside. Something that people cannot access. So it is terrifying when people gain access to this inner world.

In metaethics, the existence of one creates the existence of the other. When two conscious beings perceive each other, they exist. When they don’t exist to perceive, they don’t exist. Where does beauty fall in the order of perception? At what point in the perception of the face do you observe its beauty?

*/25/23

I slept the night, and I think the insights I made while high still make sense. A* brought up how maybe I just don’t feel beautiful enough, which is true. But I still don’t know how to feel more beautiful now. 

Attractiveness blurs the boundary between people. People like spending time with attractive people, so there’s always going to be more people into attractive people than there are the other way. And I want to fall into the beautiful and attractive people camp. I hope that I will be able to feel beautiful. It is one of those things that is partially derived externally and partially derived internally. Although I have some traits that I can’t control that make me attractive, there are definitely a lot more I could control to make myself more attractive. My current goal in life is to be more attractive. I will pursue it with the same fervor I used to pass CFA level II. Knowing the determination I have, I know it’s possible, but I’m not too sure how this differs from the habits I had in the past. I know something now I didn’t before — that’s for sure. Everything has changed as that Taylor Swift song would say, although this doesn’t nearly have the same connotation as that. I’m not sure everything is changing in a good way.

*/28/23

I haven’t had much time to write in the past couple of days. It’s almost the end of the trip. We’ve been doing a lot of driving lately. I still haven’t made up my mind if I’m going to tell her. A* said I shouldn’t. It’s hard to clearly see what each path leads from here. I’m not sure if it would be weird if I say anything. I’m not sure it would be too unbearable if I don’t. A part of me would like to forget all about this to save me the heartbreak. A part of me wants to lean in for the life I am experiencing right now. But it hurts. I haven’t liked someone like this in awhile. I haven’t really experienced much love in my life. I don’t think this is going to have a happy ending, but I think it’s going to be meaningful regardless. I will be changed and happy, or I will be sad and get a bunch of art out of it. I guess both are “wins” in the context of my life, but one is infinitely more preferable to the other. Why do I need this heartbreak to derive my growth? Why can’t I just be happy? I don’t like how some people by just existing have so much power over me. I feel powerless. I don’t like being like this.

*/29/23

I think the thing about change is that you’re not sure when it is catalyzed until the process is already undergoing. I was listening to “Alive” by Dabin a lot before this trip, but I’m not sure I feel that sentiment anymore. I don’t feel alive enough. I feel like there’s so much I still need to do to feel more alive. I feel like I constantly acquire personality traits from other people because I am not happy with the one I was born with. I’m not sure W* was born with that impulse. Her interests are a lot more concentrated, and she has less of a drive to learn from as I do with her. The reason I find this so intimidating is because she does it better than me. Usually the impulse goes with my growth, but she has grown more than me, so how should I think about that?

I didn’t start ahead. I feel like I’ve been behind my entire life, which is why I have worked so hard to change and grow. I have seen a lot of progress in my growth. I have, for the most part, access to people I want to spend time with. I feel as if I have come so far, and then I meet someone like W*, and I feel inadequate again, which dries my growth again. Then the cycle continues, but it is a very unpleasant cycle to be in.

Now we’re about to go to the wilderness in Northern Iceland. I don’t suspect much to change at this point. Most things are more or less set in stone. There’s still a little window, but I’m not sure I’m going to take it. Not all windows are opportunities. Sometimes, they are just gateways to another life that is worse.

*/31/23

I told W* how I felt yesterday. She told me she was seeing someone else, which according to my vibe check is just her letting me down easy. I know the person she’s dating, so I know she’s not lying, but I still think it meant that she wasn’t interested in me. It was quite relieving to be honest. I feel like I finally said everything I wanted to on this trip. There aren't any lingering thoughts I have as we approach the penultimate day of this trip.

It really has been quite a formative two weeks. I think I have a good idea of how I should change coming out of this trip. I’m glad I have some rest time in Philadelphia and San Francisco before I go on my digital nomad adventures.

I want to present myself as more hot. It’s always been like that, but it’s different now. I have a better idea of how I want to present myself and what photos I would like to take. This will take a lot of work, and I might not get to it for awhile since I’ll be away from a gym during my digital nomad adventures, but my hope is that in the remaining two years I have in my analyst stint, I’ll be able to achieve the hotness and personality I desire before I head out to my MBA.

I’m not sure if I’ll get hung up over W*. The thing with her is that she never was a big part of my life before this trip. I never hung out with her regularly before this trip, and as far as my normalized life, there isn’t  anything concrete that I’ll be missing. This trip is the first time we hung out one-on-one, and it also may be the last. During the trip, I did have the distinct realization that I was in my journey, and that W* was in her journey, and that we were sharing this part of our journey together, but that when this trip ends, we would be continuing our journeys separate, and that we were different people that we needed to be to each other during this part of our journey.

Change is messy. Change is a beautiful thing, but it’s an ugly process. I am undergoing change, and it’s ugly, and it’s going to suck for a while, but I know I will emerge beautiful if I adhere to my goals and ideals. I understand the role of serendipity, both on the upside and downside. If I live a certain way, I will increase my odds of serendipity, and I will be prepared to take advantage of it.

*/3/23

I’m waiting at Reykjavik airport after eating a salmon sandwich with coffee. W* left on Friday to catch an early flight yesterday, and I am leaving in an hour.

This trip ended up being as transformational and magical as I was expecting. Even though W* doesn’t feel the same way about me, I think it went well as it could’ve gone.

I have arrived in Boston for a connecting flight. I didn’t pick up my checked bag for rechecking, but thankfully the attendants were helpful and able to bring it out for me. No Ls so far, although if I lost my luggage, that would be a pretty big L. I think before spending all this time with W*, I didn’t have this desire to consume luxury goods. But now I want to and also surround myself with other people who consume luxury goods… eventually. I think the athletic, utility-driven look is still what I want for the time being. After all, I am spending a lot of my time doing things abroad.

Now I ask myself, what’s next? When I return, I want to live more glamorously. I want to continue to work on my body. I want to network more in music circles and express myself in song. That could be my version of W*’s achievement in fashion. I want to improve the quality of my content and amass a following. After I build connections, I want to solidify them by getting into wealth management. I want to be among the creative and financial elite and drive a Mercedes S-Class and wear YSL and attend $2k museum galas. I used to think that was impossible, but after meeting W*, I realized it is not as out of reach as I once thought. I could achieve it in this life.